Friday, January 2, 2009

We're guaranteed a spouse at Lee, aren't we??

Lee University's spring theater production is about me.

I just found that out a few days ago, when I was peering at the upcoming schedule.

Now, before you begin ranting about how egotistical I am, let me tell you, I didn't ask for this; it surprised me just as much as it has you.

There it was on the college calendar, premiering on April 3 at the Dixon Center: "An Ideal Husband."

What am I supposed to do now? If Lee's going to reveal my secret to the whole campus, I might as well audition for the one-man-show.

After all, how could I not be chosen? That would be like refusing to cast Elvis if he tried out for a biographical flick about his career.

So, I've definitely got the lead in the perfect spring show.

And it's time alright. I've been waiting for a show at Lee about married life for years.

Sure, "Oleanna," "Trojan Women" and "Pride and Prejudice" might have provided temporary relief for love-starved Lee students over the past three years, but sexual harassment, deprived women, and a classic pre-nuptial romance serve as no replacement for the real thing:

Cold, hard marriage.

Perhaps a dose of reality will throw unsuspecting students into a tizzy, exclaiming for the first time that they've been misled. Marriage isn't about lust. It isn't about a blithe unending paradise of pleasure.

It's about me.

Now before you feel strangely compelled to send me your application, allow me to state that I didn't come to Lee to find a wife.

It kind of seems like part of the deal, however.

I've watched the Lee infomercial and this is how it goes:

"Come to Lee University! It's the most energizing Christian university in America and... it will take that stain right off of your carpet. Apply in the next ten minutes and you'll receive not one, not two, but 16 whole hours of classes every semester!

On top of that, you get this nifty degree, a Lee University water gun, and we'll even throw in a spouse!

Yes, that's right. Get married in four years or your money ba- Or you'll be left out when you get invited to all of your friends' weddings.

But that's not all, for just eight easy payments of $8,597 you'll get a full college education, complete with free pizza and the smell of mulch in the fall! Call the number on the bottom of the screen: 1-800-LEE-9930."

It's sneaky, it really is.

They sandwich that promise of a spouse right between classes and tuition.

So, I'll see you on stage. And if you're fortunate, maybe even beyond that.

"An Ideal Husband" Spoiler Alert:

If you're interested in reading the whole play so you can impress your friends by revealing the climax before the curtain rises on act two, here's the script, courtesy of Google.

Or, if you prefer, check out the history of the play and the plot summary here.

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