Friday, September 5, 2008

What is this?


They're all over campus, and if you've been observant, you might have questioned the appearance of the odd "COMMUNICATIONS" bunkers dotting the grounds like crumbs after a post-chapel mixer.

Now, no one's likely to give you a real explanation as to where these units came from and why they're here. That's precisely why I've taken it upon myself to explain their entrance.

The comm bunkers have been installed at Lee as secret doorways to the new underground building for the university's Communication and the Arts department.

The department was so grand, so fantastic, that the administration didn't want to shame every other department on campus by building the massive 300,000 square foot palace, I mean facility, above ground where it would make even the new science and religion buildings look miniscule and outdated.

Therefore, only communications majors have entrance to the five-story underground building that extends from underneath Alumni Park all the way to the field in front of Bowdle/O'Bannon.

Why did the whole student body have to exchange ID cards just a few days ago? While the "bar code mishap" made a great cover-up, the only reason was to add access on the cards of communications and arts majors to the new building. If the institution had only invited comm majors to switch their cards, it would be obvious that something was up.

So what is the university hiding in the new building comm majors have lovingly dubbed "Area 51"?

That's easy: A food court with five restaurants, a black box theater, a new radio/TV studio, 25 classrooms, 60 faculty offices, Dr. Conn's emergency bunker, and a secret underground hanger for Dr. Conn's stealth jet known only as A-Force One.

Oh, and a swimming pool.

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